mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
