Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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