I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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