There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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