Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
