You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
