just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
