He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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