I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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