i wish my penis had a tongue
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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