that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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