The maid of honor just puked.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I will pee on everything he values.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
