was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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