She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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