Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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