My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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