totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
