I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
