Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
