i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
