my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
