Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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