your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
