so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
