you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
