thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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