She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
