So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
