matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
