you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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