tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I deserve this hangover.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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