Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
