Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Can you bring me the toilet please
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
