my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
