i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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