Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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