I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
