thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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