I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
