Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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