goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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