Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
porn star boner night. come get it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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