i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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