Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
