She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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