Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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