textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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