i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
