i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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