its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
